this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
