I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
