why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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