I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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