remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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