You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
