my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
NoShamevember. You game?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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