I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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