shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
