And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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