He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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