I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
