Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize