there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
