woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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