The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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