Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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