either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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