there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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