why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
