Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
