I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
