Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
