Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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