I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
