At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
