I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
