Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
