The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
