sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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