Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
