she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize