Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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