I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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