Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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