Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
