Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My cat gives me a boner
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
