I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
