Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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