we have officially lost it.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize