I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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