he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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