so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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