Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
His nipple licking is glorious
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