I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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