yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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