guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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