So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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