i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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