Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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