she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
