That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
