your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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