the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
