1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
