It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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