The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
