What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
