Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize