Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize