New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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