Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
