that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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