did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
