just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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